Who really am I?
For the past 16 years of my life, I have been questioning myself, “Who am I? Is this what I really want to be? Am I being true to everyone?” I have been described as the jolly, cheerful, kind yet bitchy type of girl. And during the quarantine period, I had realized that the way they describe me, wasn’t really me. Or so I thought, because those traits and attitude was what I have been showing to them. Do I really know myself? What are the things I know about myself??
A K-Pop fan for almost five years now, survivor of countless suicide thoughts, saved by music, healed by their smiles. Exaggerated as it may sound but is true. I was bullied since fourth grade because of my skin complexion. That’s when I started to change myself. I changed the way I behave. From being kind and cheerful, I became cold and mean. It became my defense mechanism for years. I have no permanent circle of friends before. Not until someone introduced K-Pop to me, my life eventually went wild! From being ‘jejemon’ I learned to style myself. I was more conscious of my hygiene. I become friendly again.
Reading and writing stories are my past-time hobbies. I probably started this hobby when I was still very young. My mom used to work on a bookstore before and I will always go to their office to read books while waiting for her to finish working. It is also my escape to reality just like to any other readers. It feels like I’m at peace when I read book. All of my frustrations and negative emotions are surprisingly gone whenever I write and read. I also do digital journaling and collage.
A lot of things has changed to me, since I become a K-Pop fan, influenced by my favorite characters from the books, and had a small group of friends. I learned a lot of things such as, using beauty products, discovering my talent in photography and in traditional and digital art, learning to use filters to look good in picture, and how to hide emotions in public, lol. But seriously, I learned to control my emotions better now compared when I wasn’t fangirl. Of course it is inevitable to burst out sometimes.
This is who I am, still in the process of loving myself and embracing my flaws, just like what my idols say. Shine, Dream, Smile!
